Think about it:
Any of these situations could be classified as conflict. A conflict might be defined as a clash between people, ideas, or interests. It does not have to be violent or a bad situation.
One of the most important parts of a conflict is how you choose to respond to it. Before you react, stop and think! Decide how you can best manage the situation so it doesn’t get out of hand, especially if you are upset. You have to live with the consequences.
Listed here and on the next few pages are some tips that might help you resolve a conflict in a healthy way. It might take practice to find out which strategies work for you.
1) Respond; don't react.
Stay calm and cool. Think about what you will say before you say it. Don’t speak in a tone that will escalate the conflict. Do whatever you have to do to either get calm or stay calm.
2) Focus on the problem.
Don't let an argument become personal. Stay focused on the conflict itself and look for possible solutions.
3) Talk. And listen.
Be clear about what you see as the problem and about what you want. Don’t be accusatory. And don’t present your side as if you are right and the other person is wrong. Be a good listener. Give the other person room to speak. In order to show that you are listening, report what the person said and ask if you have heard him or her correctly.
4) Be willing to cut a deal
Don’t try to “win.” Show a willingness to find a compromise you both can live with.
5) Know when to walk away.
Sometimes the atmosphere is not right for a settlement. Feelings may be too charged. Anger may outweigh reason. If need be, tell the other person you are not yet ready to work things out, but you are willing to try later.
6) Don't resort to violence or insults
Don’t let things escalate—it will only cause more issues.
7) Be reasonable.
And encourage your friends to be reasonable, too. Always look to see if the intensity of a person’s reaction (including your own) is appropriate for the conflict at hand. Encourage everyone to keep cool heads and maintain perspective.
8) Don't take sides.
When friends are in a conflict, be impartial.
9) Let it go.
Accept your share of the responsibility for the conflict. Admit when you are wrong or at fault. Apologize and be prepared to forgive the other person if he or she apologizes.
Which things on the previous pages do you already do well when facing a conflict?
Which do you struggle with or need to work on when facing a conflict?
What tips do you have for others facing a conflict?
Read the scenarios on this page and the following pages and decide how you would approach or resolve each situation.
A friend can’t find a textbook she lent you. She accuses you of never returning it, but you’re sure you did.
What do you do?
How do you feel afterward?
Based on your feelings, the next time you are in a situation similar to this one, you are likely to:
You and a friend are alone, and he has some smokeless tobacco. He says he’s never tried it and doesn’t intend on making it a habit, but he wants to do it just once to see what it’s like. He reminds you that the two of you have always done things together and this should be no exception.
What do you do?
How do you feel afterward?
Based on your feelings, the next time you are in a situation similar to this one, you are likely to:
A group is planning to go to a football game. One of the guys wants to bring his younger brother, but the rest of you (including you) don’t like his brother. You find him to be demanding and spoiled, and you feel as though there are certain things you can’t talk about when he’s around. You don’t want your friend to bring his brother.
What do you do?
How do you feel afterward?
Based on your feelings, the next time you are in a situation similar to this one, you are likely to:
You have a set curfew, but a concert is coming up that you want very much to attend. The concert will end well after your curfew.
What do you do?
How do you feel afterward?
Based on your feelings, the next time you are in a situation similar to this one, you are likely to:
A friend has promised to quit smoking cigarettes, has tried on a number of occasions, but keeps going back to them. You notice now that she no longer even mentions trying to quit and in fact seems to be smoking more than ever. You are very concerned, and you decide to confront her.
What do you do?
How do you feel afterward?
Based on your feelings, the next time you are in a situation similar to this one, you are likely to:
Think about this: conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. Two people who work through their conflicts creatively and peacefully are demonstrating just how much their relationship means to them.